“Hydroxychloroquine”

“Hydroxychloroquine”
(to the tune of “Supercalifragilistic”)

Hydroxychloroquine, for malaria it’s effective.
But it will do jack squat for those whom Covid has infected.
Trump thinks that if he shouts the word
His critics are deflected.
Hydroxychloroquine, good scientists reject it.
Hydroxychloroquine, please use as directed!

Trump-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I
Trump-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I
Trump-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I
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It's quinine's ugly shirttale cousin
With a tiny indole loop.
Its side-effects can be extreme
And it can make you poop.
It works quite fine on spirochetes
And even Lyme's Disease.
But it's useless against viruses
Despite what Fox believes.

Hydroxychloroquine, for malaria it’s effective
But it will do jack squat for those whom Covid has infected
Trump thinks that if he shouts the word
His critics are deflected
Hydroxychloroquine, good scientists reject it
Hydroxychloroquine, please use as directed!

Trump-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I
Trump-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I
Trump-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I
Trump-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I

Covid traveled through a bat's behind, and then around the world
This nasty pathogen loves the lungs of parents, boys and girls
When asymptomatic, it's easily spread.
If boys and girls come out to play.
Thousands soon will wake up dead!

(Chorus)

For our Presidential sociopath, it's quite an easy choice.
Give truth a voice? That's not his style!
A market crash results!
But shout, "Huzzah! A miracle cure! Hooray, the day is saved!"
Magical thinking in prescription form
Surely leads to early graves.
But Trump's surviving base will vote for him
Come next election day!

(Chorus)

"I Shot the Serif"

(to the tune of Bob Marley’s “I Shot the Sheriff”)

I shot the serif
‘Cause I hated the typography
I shot the serif
‘Cause the page just looked like shit to me

Typesetting got the better of me.
Prints Charming was my show.
My boss thought fonts was on “Happy Days.”
She said, “Comic Sans will make it flow.”
“Comic Sans will make it flow.”

I shot the serif
‘Cause I hated the typography
I shot the serif
‘Cause the page just looked like shit to me

The lady always hated me.
Why? I don’t know.
She said, “Use tick marks, not quotes
And don’t ask why.
The customer wants it so.
I said the customer, he wants it so.”
And I said …

I shot the serif
‘Cause I hated the typography
I shot the serif
‘Cause the page just looked like shit to me

Fraktur body copy in all caps.
Orphans and widows drop like flies.
Kerning tight as a Bishop’s ass.
The screen just hurt my eyes.
So I pulled out my 45.
I pulled out my 45.

I shot the serif
‘Cause I hated the typography
I shot the serif
‘Cause the page just looked like shit to me

Hall of Presidents

Do the other President Robots in the Hall of the Presidents at Walt Disney World get along with the Donald Trump President Robot*? Or are there loud, bitter arguments at night when the crowds have all gone home? Through the miracle of imagination, let's find out ...

INT, HALL OF THE PRESIDENTS - NIGHT
Empty auditorium, the President Robots stand frozen in place. Then the President Trump Robot comes to undead life. He advances to the podium and addresses the other President Robots.

President Trump Robot: Hello, losers. (pointing at different President Robots) You're fired. You're dead. You're dead. You were born in Kenya.

President Obama Robot: With all due respect, f**k you, asshole.

President Trump Robot: Sticks and stones. And f**k you right back. You losers don't impress me. Some of you've got your faces on money. Big deal. I have money. I am money. I'm A Number One! I'm the duke! I'm huge. Huge!

Richard Nixon Robot: "Huge"...? That's the best you can come up with? "Huge?" I may have been a crook, but I had a f***ing vocabulary!

George Washington Robot: I wish I had my axe.

Teddy Roosevelt Robot: Aw, c'mon boys. Stop picking on Trump.

Other President Robots grumble.

Teddy Roosevelt Robot: That's my job.

The Teddy Roosevelt Robot strides up to the Trump Robot.

Trump Robot: Oh, look. I’m so scared.

The Teddy Roosevelt Robot gets closer.

Trump Robot: Here he comes. The failing Teddy Roosevelt. Yesterday’s news. Loser. Old. Tired. What’ve you got to say?

Teddy Roosevelt Robot: Not as much as you.

Trump Robot: I think I’ll call you Fatty Roosevelt.

Teddy Roosevelt Robot: You've got a way with words, huh sonny Jim?

Trump Robot: Guilty as charged.

Teddy Roosevelt Robot: You ever learn the manly art of fisticuffs?

Trump Robot: I’ve been in few fights.

Teddy Roosevelt Robot: Bully. Did you win?

Trump Robot: I always win.

Teddy Roosevelt Robot: Did you play fair?

Trump Robot: You kidding? How do you think I won?

Teddy Roosevelt Robot: Like this?

The Teddy Roosevelt Robot jabs the Trump Robot in the nose with a vicious left uppercut.

Trump Robot: Owwww! That’s not fair!

Teddy Roosevelt Robot: Is this fair?

The Teddy Roosevelt Robot kicks the Trump Robot in the robot balls.

Trump Robot: Eagggh!

The Trump Robot drops to his knees.

Teddy Roosevelt Robot: So much winning!

The Teddy Roosevelt Robot does a boxer’s dance around his fallen foe. The other President Robots cheer.

The “Star Trek” battle theme starts to play. And gets louder.


On the following morning, the Disney clean-up crew enters the Hall of the Presidents. One guy with a push-broom notices a scattering of nuts and bolts on the floor. Along with a mangled blonde wig.


Clean-up Dude: (muttering) G-ddamnit. Why does this keep happening? (shouting) We’re going to need another Trump bot!

Another Clean-up Dude: (OS) Again?

*Strictly speaking, he'd be a "President Trump Audioanimatron." I know, I know. But "President Trump Robot" is funnier.