Sunday, November 22, 1998

The Teddy Bear's Picnic

If you go out to the woods tonight
You'd better not go alone!
If you go out to the woods tonight
You'd better not go alone!
Tonight's the night...
The Teddy Bears...
Have their picnic!



EXT, FOREST - NIGHT


ANNOUNCER: (Eric Idle-esque) Suddenly, in another part of the forest, the Teddy Bears are having their picnic. There are three of them. They're all about 8 feet tall and resemble S. Clay Wilson bikers and, in fact, have ridden in on various choppers. We see the ruins of several campfires, some departed guest's quickly discarded bra and panties, wine bottles, drug paraphernalia, weapons, ammo, Piltdown Man's jawbone, the complete works of Kierkegaard and other implements of destruction are scattered everywhere. One flickering campfire remains...


TEDDY #1: (scratching groin) Fuck this. I think I gotta a motherfuckin' tick in my groin.


TEDDY #3: A tick on your dick?


The TEDDY BEARS laugh.


TEDDY #1: Shut the fuck up! It ain't fuckin' funny!


TEDDY #2: That's the fuckin' meth, man. Happened to me. My left eye was twitching like a sumbitch.


TEDDY #1: No, no, no, not that kinda tick, I mean like one of those fuckin' little bloodsuckers.


TEDDY #2: Oh, you mean like a tick. I thought you said "tic."


TEDDY #1: Fuck, this fucker hurts like a fuckin' motherfucker. Fuck.


TEDDY #3: You gotta burn it off man. Like use a cigarette or a match or sumpin.


TEDDY #1: (digging at his groin again) Listen fucker, the fuckin' things on the underside of my fuckin' testicles....ahhhh...no fuckin' way I'm using a fuckin' match or some fuckin'....ahhhh...get me some fuckin' wine or sumpin.


TEDDY #2: We drank the wine.


TEDDY #1: (falling to the ground, kicking legs in agony) Ahhhhh...


TEDDY #3: Don't be a fuckin' pussy man.


TEDDY #1: Ahhhhh, you fucker...ahhhh....if I wasn't in so much pain I'd fuckin' ...


TEDDY #2: You think you're gonna get Lyme's disease?


TEDDY #1: No, man. I hate limes.


TEDDY #2: No, Lyme's disease. You get it from ticks.


TEDDY #1: Ahhhh, fuck. That's all I fuckin' need -- a fuckin' STD from some fuckin' tick. Fuck that shit. (leaping to his feet) Get me the fuckin' pliers.


TEDDY #3: You're supposed to use, like, matches.


TEDDY #1: Fuck that fuckin' boyscout shit...no...no way I'm puttin' some fuckin' match on my balls...ahhhh...


TEDDY #2: You can also use a cigarette.


TEDDY #1: GET ME THE FUCKIN' PLIERS!


TEDDY #3: OK, man. (handing him pliers) It's your fuckin' funeral.


TEDDY #1 starts digging at his groin area with the pliers, screaming horribly.


TEDDY #1: AHHHHHH, FUCK YOU YOU LITTLE FUCKIN' TICK, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE, AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!


TEDDY #1 rips the tick, along with a mass of tissue, fur and blood, out of his groin, then throws it to the ground, along with the bloody pliers. Engraged, he pulls out a Dirty Harry-type 47 Magnum and starts blasting it.

TEDDY #1: DIE FUCKIN' TICK...DIE!!!!


Blam! Blam! Etc. He runs out of rounds. There's dead silence.


TEDDY #2: I guess you killed it man.


The TEDDY BEARS laugh again. More silence. A mild-mannered figure enters the picture, a small slump-shouldered Forrest Ranger with a voice like Droopy Dog.


RANGER: Excuse me. Are you the Teddy Bears?


TEDDY #1: Yeah, we're the fuckin' Teddy Bears.


RANGER: And this must be your picnic?


TEDDY #1: Yeah. No shit. We're the fuckin' Teddy Bears and this is our fuckin' picnic.


RANGER: I see. Well, I'm afraid ...


TEDDY #1: You're afraid?


RANGER: I'm afraid ... I have to tell you, you're going to have to clean this up.


TEDDY #3: Clean it up?


TEDDY #1 starts laughing and shaking his head. He then stoops to the ground, picks up the crushed remains of the tick, pops it in his mouth and starts eating it.


RANGER: Yes. And be sure to cover your campfires and rake the coals...


TEDDY #2: I don't understand what you're saying, man. You can't be saying what I fuckin' think you're saying...


TEDDY #1 still eating tick while shaking head and chuckling dangerously.


RANGER: Well, in case you don't understand...here's a pamphlet explaining park regulations.


He hands TEDDY #2 a pamphlet. Astonished, TEDDY #2 takes it.


TEDDY #1: (swallowing tick) You all by yourself?


RANGER: Why yes.


The TEDDY BEARS smile and converge on him, firelight flickering ominously on their faces. Fade to black.


Music up: "The Teddy Bears' Picnic."


If you go out to the woods tonight
You'd better not go alone!
If you go out to the woods tonight
You'd better not go alone!
Tonight's the night...
The Teddy Bears...
Have their picnic!

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