Uncle Enzo's Free Range Chicken

INT, SUPERMARKET - DAY

Uncle Enzo walks in. 40-something Italian guy, friendly, pencil-thin mustache, tailored suit over muscles worthy of a Paris Island drill instructor. Considers the deli case.

Uncle Enzo: Uncle Enzo, here. You see what I see? (picks up packaged chicken cuts) "Free-range" my ass. (tosses it) Who they think they're kidding?

EXT, SORRYASS FARM - DAY
A scene of redneck squalor. Chickens running around.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) Sure, they let 'em run around a bit. But in the end?

Chicken. Shadow crosses its face. Chicken looks up in fear.

Uncle Enzo: (VO)  They know what's coming.

Redneck Farmer grabs chicken by neck. Chicken goes SQUAWK!

Uncle Enzo: (VO) They're !@%ing terrified!

Rapid montage.

Terrified chickens on truck. Slaughterhouse conveyor belt. Man with bigass cleaver at the end.

Uncle Enzo: Don't kid yourself, pal. You eat those fear chemicals with every bite! Unless it's one of my chickens. On one of my farms. Take a look ...

EXT, UNCLE ENZO'S FARM - DAY

Another montage illustrates.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) At Uncle Enzo's we take a more humane approach. It's like a !@%ing chicken resort here. They get laid, listen to music, watch chicken porno.

Camera begins to follow one chicken in particular.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) Thanks to centuries of Sicilian expertise, they live happy !@%ing chicken lives.

Chicken moves out of frame. Camera corrects. We realize the camera is a rifle scope --

Uncle Enzo: (VO) Right to the end.

Chicken scratches, then stops, turns away. Implied Sniper adjusts POV. Back of chicken's head. Dead center. Perfect shot.
   
Bang.

Sopranos-style black screen.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) !@%$ that shit. Gimme back the !@%ing picture!

He's back. Smiling. Holding a bucket of Uncle Enzo's Free-Range Chicken.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) No fear, my friend. (chomps chicken) It's like taking a bite of happiness.

Product shot. Uncle Enzo's Free-Range Chicken.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) Uncle Enzo's. They never see it coming.

Uncensored version after jump:


INT, SUPERMARKET - DAY

Uncle Enzo walks in. 40-something Italian guy, friendly, pencil-thin mustache, tailored suit over muscles worthy of a Paris Island drill instructor. Considers the deli case.

Uncle Enzo: Uncle Enzo, here. You see what I see? (picks up packaged chicken cuts) "Free-range" my ass. (tosses it) Who they think they're kidding?

EXT, SORRYASS FARM - DAY
A scene of redneck squalor. Chickens running around.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) Sure, they let 'em run around a bit. But in the end?

Chicken. Shadow crosses its face. Chicken looks up in fear.

Uncle Enzo: (VO)  They know what's coming.

Redneck Farmer grabs chicken by neck. Chicken goes SQUAWK!

Uncle Enzo: (VO) They're fucking terrified!

Rapid montage.

Terrified chickens on truck. Slaughterhouse conveyor belt. Man with bigass cleaver at the end.

Uncle Enzo: Don't kid yourself, pal. You eat those fear chemicals with every bite! Unless it's one of my chickens. On one of my farms. Take a look ...

EXT, UNCLE ENZO'S FARM - DAY

Another montage illustrates.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) At Uncle Enzo's we take a more humane approach. It's like a fucking chicken resort here. They get laid, listen to music, watch chicken porno.

Camera begins to follow one chicken in particular.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) Thanks to centuries of Sicilian expertise, they live happy fucking chicken lives.

Chicken moves out of frame. Camera corrects. We realize the camera is a rifle scope --

Uncle Enzo: (VO) Right to the end.

Chicken scratches, then stops, turns away. Implied Sniper adjusts POV. Back of chicken's head. Dead center. Perfect shot.
   
Bang.

Sopranos-style black screen.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) Fuck that shit. Gimme back the fucking picture!

He's back. Smiling. Holding a bucket of Uncle Enzo's Free-Range Chicken.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) No fear, my friend. (chomps chicken) It's like taking a bite of happiness.

Product shot. Uncle Enzo's Free-Range Chicken.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) Uncle Enzo's. They never see it coming.