Friday, January 9, 2015

Once Upon a Time in Oz

The Wizard of Oz -- a giant disembodied head suspended in a ball of flame -- glares down at the Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow and the Lion cowering before him. It's the Lion's turn to speak.

Wizard: And you - Lion!! Well?
Lion: I think I’ll wait outside! I’m too scared!

Lion passes out. Dorothy and the Scarecrow catch him.

Dorothy: Oh - oh - oh! (to Wizard) You ought to be ashamed of yourself - frightening him like that, when he came to you for help!
Wizard: Silence, whippersnapper! The beneficent Oz has every intention of granting your requests!
Lion: (coming to, standing up) What's that? What'd he say?
Dorothy: (helping him up) Oh, come on.
Wizard: But first, you must prove yourselves worthy by …
Lion: Just wait a second! I didn’t get to tell you what I …
Wizard: Silence, you louche, leonine layabout! The Great and Powerful Oz knows what you want!
Lion: I don’t wanna be gay anymore.
Wizard: I … wow. I did not see that coming.
Dorothy: Come on. Really?
Scarecrow: Missed all the cues, huh?

Dorothy, Scarecrow and Tin Man laugh.

Wizard: I am the Great and Powerful ...
Scarecrow: Yeah, some wizard you are.
Tin Man: That big head of yours never figured it out?
Wizard: Cease this infantile impertinence!

They laugh some more. 

Lion: (catching on) Wait a second. You guys all knew …?

They all nod.

Dorothy: Duh.
Lion: It’s really that obvious?
Scarecrow: Hey, I don’t have a brain and I knew.
Wizard: Silence I say!

They continue to ignore him. Wizard continues to boil and sputter in background.

Lion: So ... why didn’t you say nothing? (sobs) You’re homophobic, that’s why!
Tin Man: I’m not homophobic.
Lion: Yes you are. You’re threatened!
Tin Man: Actually, I have no sexuality whatsoever. See? (Clanks wrist on hollow groin area. It echoes.)  I don’t have a penis.
Scarecrow: Neither do I.
Dorothy: Neither do I.
Lion: That’s different! (sobs)
Wizard: Hey. Wizard here!
Scarecrow: It’s OK to be gay.
Lion: How would you know? You don’t have a penis. (sobs)
Wizard: Belay this bilious babbling! Shut up! Please!
Lion: I wish I didn't have a penis! (sobs)
Wizard: Look, Lion! Yes you. I'm talking to you.
Lion: You mean me?
Wizard: No. I mean the other Lion.
Lion: What other ...
Wizard: Yes, of course you, cretin!
Lion: That's not very nice. (sobs)
Wizard: Oh ... Contain yourself! Shut up! Please!

Lion stops sobbing.

Wizard: Much better. Now, continue to shut up, and I’ll give you the courage to be gay.
Lion: I don’t want the courage to be gay. I want the courage to be not gay! (sobs)
Wizard: Oh, cease whimpering! The Land of Oz is an accepting …
Lion: Yeah, but I’m the only gay lion! (sobs)
Wizard: Most of the munchkins are gay!
Lion: I don’t wanna !@#$ a munchkin. (sobs)
Wizard: Oh, for pity’s sake, I can't stand it anymore. To hell with the damn witch. Dorothy!
Dorothy: Yo.
Wizard: There’s a balloon out back. It’s yours.
Dorothy: Golly Wizard. Thanks.
Wizard: You’re welcome. Now go home. Take him.

Lion stops sobbing. Big smile, then a puzzled look.

Lion: Wait. Ain't we gotta prove ourselves worthy or nothing?
Wizard: No. Enjoy the magical land of Kansas!
Scarecrow: Yeah, Lion. It’s Kansas. I’m sure they’re very accepting.

The place has had a total makeover. It's all extremely new, scrubbed, painted, upscale. Also flags and banners -- an odd, carnival-like atmosphere. Dorothy and the others are strolling around, admiring it all. Their clothes are all brand, spanking new.

Auntie Em: Oh, Dorothy, the place looks so nice since you got back. All that money really comes in handy!
Dorothy: Oh, it sure does, Auntie Em.
Lunk: Hey, the rubes showed up early today!
Dorothy: Customers, Lunk. Customers.
Lunk: Sorry.

Auntie Em and Uncle Whatsisname sit down at a table near the gate. There's a cash box and rolls of tickets. Various farmers and hayseeds appear and fork over cash. Tickets in hand, they walk on to something they're eager to see (OS). Dorothy joins them. We follow them to --

A cage, containing the Lion. The sign reads:

Alive! Alive! Alive!
Only $5
also talks

The rubes gather and gawk. Dorothy smiles. Lion looks down at Dorothy.

Lion: I hate you.

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