Friday, May 3, 1996

Side Effects May Include

Title: Qualixinol

Shots of hot air balloons in the sky.

Sound track: "Let the Sunshine in."

Montage of people.

A smiling WOMAN in her early 20s. Neo-hippy earthmother type.

WOMAN: Life is good. But life could be better.

A robust DAD, playing with his kids. Spraying them with a water hose, etc.

DAD: I’m happy. But I could be happier.

PUNK KID: Life sucks! Why can’t every morning be like Christmas morning?

More shots of balloons.

ANNOUNCER: (V.O.) We all experience emotions. But some emotions are bad. Why not experience only good emotions, all the time? With Qualixinol, you can.

DAD waves from the balloon.

DAD: I feel great and I’m never coming down! Thanks Qualixinol!

WOMAN in field of sunflowers, grinning madly.

WOMAN: Now I’m always in a good mood! Thanks Qualixinol!

PUNK KID throws out all his grunge albums.

PUNK KID: I don't question authority anymore. Thanks Qualixinol!

ANNOUNCER: Ask your doctor about Qualixinol. It’s time to start feeling good. All the time.

He starts talking ridiculously fast, like an auction-caller.

ANNOUNCER: Qualixinol is approved for children and adults when used according to prescription. Qualixinol is non-habit forming when taken as directed. Qualixinol is ridiculously habit forming when not taken as directed. Do not operate heavy machinery while using this medication. Do not operate any machinery. Stay inside your house and lock the doors. Side effects may include explosive diarrhea, nausea, dizziness, dry mouth, hair loss, headache, self-importance, increased appetite, increased weight, decreased appetite and decreased weight, no weight change at all, photosynthesis, mood changes, anxiety, panic attacks, fear of cheese and other dairy products, trouble sleeping, flatulence in church, irritability, agitation, aggressiveness, severe restlessness, axe murder, mania, existential malaise, stigmata, mild visual and auditory hallucinations, terrifying visual and auditory hallucinations, a desire to join the Republican party, thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself and death. Patients with Eastern European ancestry may experience unusual hair and dental growth and aggressive behavior when exposed to the full moon. Some spontaneous combustion may also occur. Ignore the voices in your head and consult your physician immediately should you experience any of these symptoms. This warning is an implied contract. By hearing this warning, you implicitly agree not to sue the EnorMed pharmaceutical company or any of its affilates. Look at the pretty balloons!

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