Sunday, December 23, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Monster Island
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Threatening Cockney gangster speech
The Google Hymn
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
The Church of Low Expectations
This is not to say many comedians aren't boiling with an inner sense of rage and, like the Incredible Hulk, apt to turn into googly-eyed rage monsters, sometimes on stage, sometimes not. (Bad for your health, I should add. Blows out vessels in the brain and shit.) But such explosions are rare -- a violation of their normal sanguine nature. Comedians can turn into assholes, yes. But only for brief periods of time.
Comedians don't feel entitled. Well, to anything except laughter and constant adoring attention. But, other than that, comedians don't feel entitled. They expect to get screwed over. They expect people to fall short. Hey, it's material.
Comedians don't walk around with a sense of perpectual outrage. The waiter fucked-up. What an idiot. But you don't want to actually kill the waiter and burn down his house. You don't want to teach the waiter the error of his ways. Prop his eyes open like Alex in a Clockwork Orange and make him see the light. Watch endless movies of his lousy service while a lab coat wearing tech medicates his unblinking eyes until...
"Yes, yes I see it's wrong, wrong terribly wrong to judge diners by the way they dress. I shouldn't have ignored your table and kissed the ass of that gold-plated blowhard shouting his observations at that fawning party of ten! You would've tipped me twenty percent. I see it, now! Forgive me, sir. I repent of my sin. I'm cured, praise God!"
Yeah you might imagine it. You wouldn't actually do it.
It's too much trouble.
Comedians would make lousy prophets. They don't expect humans to be saints. Any idiot can see humans are greedy, lazy, self-centered, yattayatta. The comedian is not suprised. Some jerk acts like a hypocrite. General Patreaus screws his worshipful biographer. A politician covers his ass. Ohmygod, there's GAMBLING at Rick's Cafe Americain. You're suprised? That's what humans do. That's like saying, "Ohmygod the COYOTE is chasing the road runner. He's buying crap from Acme and having painful industrial accidents." Hey, he's a coyote. Get over it.
To a comedian, human flaws are funny. (Not to mention animal flaws.) In a perfect world, there'd be nothing to joke about. "Yeah, we're in heaven sitting on clouds and playing harps. It's really great. You come here often?"
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Blasé, undecided independent
They seek me here.
They seek me there.
Their views are loud.
They want to share.
Politicians eager to convert me to their cause
'Cause I'm a blasé, undecided independent.
And so I fill my little mind
With punditry of every kind.
Tuning in to Amy Goodman. Switching to Glen Beck.
'Cause I'm a blasé, undecided independent.
Oh yes I am (oh yes I am), oh yes I am (oh yes I am).
I think I see both points of view quite clearly.
I'm so open-minded that my head feels rather light.
'Cause I'm a blasé, undecided independent.
Oh yes I am (oh yes I am), oh yes I am (oh yes I am).
There's one thing that I hate and that is shouting.
Come election day if they don't calm down I think I might stay home.
'Cause I'm a blasé, undecided independent.
Oh yes I am (oh yes I am), oh yes I am (oh yes I am).
I flit from Left to Right just like a butterfly.
Reading Ayn Rand on one day, Karl Marx the next
'Cause I'm a blasé, undecided independent.
I'm a blasé, undecided independent.
I'm a blasé, undecided independent.
Monday, September 3, 2012
White Heat Cereal
Announcer: (OS) For a kill-crazy criminal on the run, there’s only one way to start the day. White Heat Cereal, with real film noir flavor!
Mr. Big pours cereal into bowl. The cereal is shaped like two X-es fused together.
Mr. Big: Say, it’s a double cross!
Announcer: (OS) Sure. Theres a double cross in every bite.
Sugar smirks.
Mr. Big: Say, what are you looking at?
Rams a grapefruit in her face.
Mr. Big: Now get me the morning paper. Make yourself useful.
She runs out of the room crying.
Mr. Big digs around in the cereal box.
Mr. Big: Say, where’s my prize? There's no prize in the box! I want my prize!
Announcer: (OS) Here’s your prize.
The Colt 45 on the cereal box shoots Mr. Big in the face.
The Announcer enters, puts his arms around Sugar's waist.
Announcer: Say ... Looks like he didn’t finish his cereal.
Sugar: Too bad. It’s the most important meal of the day.
They share a laugh.
Sirens. (OS)
They run.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Righrander
EXT. DEFUNCT CARNIVAL PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Weird, yellowish lighting from Mercury vapor lamps. Scooby Doo stands by the Mystery Machine. Waits.
Whirring noise. (OS)
The Jetsons' hovercar glides down and lands on the parking lot. Judy and Astro are inside. Judy's driving, of course.
The hovercar's bubble top opens. Astro emerges. Judy starts to get out too, but he nods for her to stay back.
Astro walks up to the Mystery Machine, stops, confronts Scooby Doo.
Astro: Ry reep ry romises.
Scooby Doo: Ree roo.
Scooby Doo nods. Panel door slides open on the van. Shaggy emerges, roughly manhandling out a figure with a hood over his head. Removes hood. We see it's George Jetson.
Shaggy shoves George to the asphalt.
George: Astro!
George tries to run to his dog. Shaggy pulls a 45. George stops.
Shaggy: Stay out of this pal. (giggles) Like, hang back and watch the show.
Scooby Doo pulls out a wicked katana sword. Holds it forward in a classic stance.
Scooby Doo: Rets rinish ris.
Astro: Rait. Ree ron't rave roo roo ris.
Scooby Doo: Ro. Ree roo. Rin re rend, rere ran ree ronly rone.
Scooby Doo charges Astro with a samurai battle cry. Astro pulls out his own wicked katana. The two talking dogs fight. It's spectacular, take my word for it.
Astro cuts off Scooby Doo's head. A flash of lightning. Astro absorbs Scooby Doo's life energy with a scream, then collapses.
George: Let's go home, Astro.
George and Astro walk back to Judy, who's been waiting by the hovercar. Judy gives Astro a doggy treat. The Jetson family gets into the hovercar. The bubble top closes. It lifts off and glides away.
Now alone, Shaggy studies Scooby Doo's headless body.
Shaggy: Like, bummer.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
The Great Truth Extinction
Announcer: 65 million years ago, a rogue asteroid slammed into what is now the Yucatan Peninsula.
CGI animation illustrates.
Announcer: (VO) The resulting explosion, ecological destruction and "nuclear winter" wiped out 97% of all dinosaur species.
CGI dinosaurs looking up with an "Oh shit" look in their eyes.
Blam.
Announcer: That's what they'd like you to believe. That's what we've all been taught. Only one problem. It's not true. The truth is far more disturbing, especially if you're a giant lizard.
Scary music.
Announcer: Sometimes government conspiracies can be far more deadly than a rock from space.
INT, DARK ROOM - NIGHT
Shadowy clip of huddled figures around a table plotting evil and smoking cigars.
Announcer: But sunlight is the best disinfectant.
Flare of light.
INT, DR. MANYAK'S LAB - DAY
Messy but charming lab. Announcer strides up to us. Dr. Manyak is sitting in the background surrounded by pop-culture cliche scientific props (bubbling flasks, a Tesla Ball, etc.) and a flat-screen display. Dr. Manyak has wild hair, like Einstein.
Announcer: Tonight on Connecting the Dots, we'll be sharing shocking new evidence that proves that a shadowy government conspiracy killed the noble dinosaurs. Here's an expert we found, Dr. Manyak, PhD and HMWB. He's wearing a lab coat and has diplomas on the wall. Some of them have Latin words on them. When the good doctor speaks, we listen. What do you have to say, doctor?
Dr. Manyak: The killer asteroid was scientifically impossible.
Announcer: There you have it. Dr. Manyak, a leading expert in his field, said the killer asteroid was "impossible." He said it. Scientifically speaking, assertion is proof. But please tell us more.
Dr. Manyak indicates graphic on flat screen.
DR. MANYAK: Consider the size of the so-called impact crater -- otherwise known as the "Chicxulub crater." (points to roughly circular graphic of crater on screen) As you can see, it has a diameter of approximately 10 kilometers. This would imply an iron-nickel object about the size of the Rock of Gibraltar.
Announcer: Was it the Rock of Gibraltar?
Dr. Manyak: No. Different rock, same size and mass, more or less. Now what do you think would happen if such an object were to strike the earth?
Announcer: You tell me.
Dr. Manyak: Well. Upon impact, such a superheated iron-nickel mass would have fused with melted silica deposits, creating metallic nodules embedding a glassy substrate below the point of impact. Obviously.
Announcer: (not following) Yes ... obviously.
Dr. Manyak. But nothing of the sort exist. In fact, no impact residue of any kind has been found whatsoever. Ever.
Announcer: Why has no impact residue been found?
Dr. Manyak: Why? (chuckles) Well, in terms of classic logic we call that, "Begging the question."
Announcer: How? What?
Dr. Manyak: Well, your very question contains the nested assumption that there was an impact. Why would you assume that?
Announcer: I ... I don't know.
Dr. Manyak: There was clearly an explosion. But why assume that it was created by an object from space? Clearly, this hypothesis doesn't line up with the facts on the ground. But a thermonuclear explosion would. (points to screen) Ground zero would be here. Where the thermonuclear device was planted.
Announcer: But ... who planted the device?
Dr. Manyak: Ah. Now that's an intelligent question.
EXT, STONEHENGE - DAY
Announcer: And Dr. Manyak gave an intelligent answer. A very disturbing answer. As disturbing as the ritual of human sacrifice at Stonehenge. He also answered a question I didn't ask. What would've happened if the dinosaurs had never been destroyed?
Montage illustrates what Announcer says.
Announcer: (VO) According to Dr. Manyak, in this alternate timeline, the Velociraptors would have acquired language and tool-making skills, become peaceful, and adopted mammals as pets. Millions of years later, humans and dinosaurs would live together in peace in a utopia resembling the hippie school in "Billy Jack." The energy running this civilization? Sunlight and the flapping wings of butterflies. Sounds good, right? But, to a conspiracy of humans on Jekyll Island, this was too good to be true.
INT, CREEPY MANSION - NIGHT
A sign announces "Human League"
More creepy lab equipment. Two conspirators at work. Human scientists. The evil variety.
Evil Human Scientist #1: I've invented the H-bomb. If only we could send it back in time
Evil Human Scientist #2: You're not going to believe this. I've invented the time machine.
Evil Human Scientist #1: Screw the dinosaurs!
They high-five. Then send the H-Bomb back in time.
EXT, PARK, DINOTOWN - DAY - 65 Million Years BC
Barney watches little dinosaurs playing at the playground.
Barney: Gosh what a beautiful day. Nothing could possibly go wrong!
An H-Bomb vaporizes the city behind the park. Barney clutches the chain-link fence and is flash-fried like Sarah Connor in Terminator 2. Along with all the other dinosaurs.
INT, DR. MANYAK'S LAB
Announcer: But ... why would they kill the dinosaurs?
Dr. Manyak: Why? For the oldest reason in the world. Follow the money.
Announcer: The money?
Dr. Manyak: Yes. Think. What did the dead dinosaurs become?
Announcer: Oil?
Dr. Manyak: (knowingly) Oil.
Montage of evil oil wells as in World Party's "Ship of Fools" video. Montage concludes with --
EXT, SINCLAIR OIL GAS STATION
Slow zoom on old Sinclair Oil sign. Close in on dinosaur silhouette. Hold.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Raising your Gifted Child
Encourage you child's interest in computers and technology.
Your child may reveal astonishing artistic ability. Encourage this as well.
The structured learning environment of a typical public school may leave your child feeling bored and alienated.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Excuse me, could you direct me to the Nazi section
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Sunyatta Supermarket: Where shopping really sucks!
Bored-looking customers at the check-out line. One is a crazed Mad Scientist with hair like a Treasure Troll. He reaches into his lab coat and pulls out an apparatus resembling a Thermos bottle.
MAD SCIENTIST: So it was prophesied. Well, yes, of course. Anyway.
He unscrews the apparatus. A micro-black hole pops out, and immediately begins sucking the screaming clerk and customers inside. Along with the cackling Mad Scientist, not to mention the candy bars, glossy magazines, and the end-cap display filled with disposable razors and batteries.
A bored-looking Manager looks over from Customer Service. Surveys the carnage. Thinks. Then pulls the microphone closer. Speaks into it ...
MANAGER: Void on Aisle 7. Void on Aisle 7.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Dr. Monster's Super Villain Aptitude Test
Exciting careers await in the expanding field of supervillainry! Do you have what it takes? Select the response that feels right to you and find out!
1. Are your decisions based on objective fact or emotions?
(A) I remain objective.
(B) The question is irrelevant. I bend the world to my will and create the facts that I desire.
(C) I struggle not to let feelings cloud my judgment but they often do.
2. When making decisions, do you leave your options open or prefer to have matters settled?
(A) I like to leave my options open.
(B) I narrow the options based on the options I think are best in this situation.
(C) Nothing should ever go wrong. There is no room or excuse for failure. “Plan B” is for the weak.
3. Do you prefer developing new and innovative systems or making existing systems better?
(A) I like to develop new, innovative systems.
(B) Humanity is a flock of mindless sheep. Their pitiful “existing systems” mean nothing to me. I will lay them to waste and create a perfect world in my image.
(C) I just want to make existing systems work more efficiently.
4. Where do you fall in a scale between logical and analytical and personable and sensitive?
(A) Your categories are limited and pathetic. My soul cannot be mapped by such crude parameters. The last person who tried died in unimaginable agony.
(B) I am logical but I do have a heart, too.
(C) I am personable and sensitive to the exclusion of logic.
5. Are you more of a practical, hands-on worker or an idea person?
(C) I am a practical, hands-on worker.
(B) I am an idea person who sometimes finds it easier to be quiet and focus on work.
(C) Ideas mean nothing without work. The ideas of the true superman must create work. The burning fire inside my brain will set my minions to the task at hand.
6. Are you a detail person or do you go with the flow?
(A) I am a detail person.
(B) I am a detail-oriented person but sometimes there’s no time for that.
(C) I am the flow. My impulses are always right. I simply act. Thinking is for the weak. My will is the will of God. The Tao, history, destiny, God—whatever insipid term you care to use—flows through me, and only through me. Behold! I have come to change the world in my image, to bring new order, and destruction and pain to the weak. For petty details, I prefer the Google Day Planner widget. It is quite intuitive.
7. On social occasions do you prefer listening to what is going on around you or do you prefer watching the goings-on?
(A) I do not watch the mob; they watch me--offering abject, cringing obedience. No talking, though hymns in my honor are acceptable.
(B) I prefer to listen but sometimes I like to watch, too.
(C) I don't like to be too aware of what other people are doing or saying.
8. How do you prefer to learn—through diagrams and pictures or through experiments and activities?
(A) I prefer to learn by viewing diagrams and pictures.
(B) I like classes that mix visual and hands-on training.
(C) My days of learning are over. I am here to give lessons. They shall come in many forms.
9. When assigned a task, do you start by reading the instructions or figure it out as you go?
(A) Who would dare assign me a task? I must search my memory for the last time this happened. I was 7, yes, that’s it. My father told me to rake the leaves off the front porch. I set him on fire.
(B) I feel uncomfortable undertaking a task until I have been trained in the procedures.
(C) I think I can figure this out as I go but I will glance at the directions if needed.
10. Which of the following best describes your ability to speak and persuade others?
(A) I am always able to persuade others that I am right.
(B) I speak. The weak submit. They know their master’s voice! They honor me with their eyes and expressions of pathetic devotion, almost sexual. I feel no honor, for they are weak.
(C) I have a hard time persuading others.
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