Cursed Unlucky Charms

Two CHILDREN chase a LEPRECHAUN, who's holding a cereal box. A FAT BOY watches them in horror.

BOY: Catch that leprechaun! He's got Lucky Charms!

FAT BOY: Are you out of your f**king minds? That's the evil leprechaun. Those are Cursed Unlucky Charms!

LEPRECHAUN: Ah, the little shites. Always after me Cursed Unlucky Charms.

FAT BOY slaps the other BOY. The little GIRL looks on stupidly.

FAT BOY: Run!

BOY: You mean after him?

GIRL: That's what we were doing!

FAT BOY: No, you stupid bimbo! Not after him! Away from him! As far as you can get!

They stand there stupidly.

FAT BOY: Run, you morons! That leprechaun's a killer! Run for your f**king lives! Just look at him!

The kids look. The LEPRECHAUN gestures over the cereal box. Evil charms telekinetically fly out.

LEPRECHAUN: Orange skulls. Green daggers. Red severed hearts. Hands of glory!

A corpse hand flies out with flaming fingers.

GIRL: Oh my God ...

FAT BOY: Get the f**king picture? Run!

They run.

LEPRECHAUN: It's all part of me complete breakfast!

The children run.

GIRL: I don't see him.

BOY: I think we got away.

FAT BOY: That's what they always think! Keep running! For the love of God keep running!

LEPRECHAUN: The last sodding breakfast they'll ever eat. I'll do them up a treat.

The children keep running.

LEPRECHAUN: I'll make a rainbow!

He gestures. A rainbow appears, arcing up from the earth.

FAT BOY: Run! Don't stop.

INT - AIRPLANE COCKPIT - 747

PILOT: This is Delta Niner Four on approach vector.

COPILOT: What the --

The cockpit floods with impossible, multicolored brightness.

PILOT: Mayday! Mayday--

The rainbow sheers into the cockpit, slicing off the front section of the plane like a giant razor. The cockpit flies off in one direction. The rest of the severed 747 plummets in a vicious spiral, its passengers screaming.

FAT BOY: Run!

BOY: I really think we're safe now--

The plane hits the fleeing children, burning them alive in an enormous fireball.

LEPRECHAUN: (watching the horrific scene with malignant glee) Cursed Unlucky Charms. They're tragically malicious!

Soylent Green

Soylent Green
(to the tune of "Silent Night")

Soylent Green
It's obscene
Corpses thrown into a machine
Ground to green crackers soon they are
Charleton Heston cries, "Oh, my God!
Soylent Green is people!
Soylent Green is people!"

Hue and Cry Car Alarums

EXT, STREET, NIGHT

A CAR THIEF tries to jimmy the door of a car. A car alarm goes off.

CAR THIEF: Shit.

CAR: Eeep! Eeep! Eeep! Eeep!

Lights go on. Windows fly open up and down the street.

MAN IN NIGHTGOWN: Halloo! Stop thief!

The CAR THIEF runs.

Various neighbors boil from various houses.

NEIGHBORS: Stop! Thief!

They give chase to the CAR THIEF.

ANNOUNCER: Hue and Cry Car Alarums. Waking up the whole neighborhood. Like anyone gives a shit about your car.

Acid Casualty Insurance

Jeff Bridges appears as the Dude character from "The Big Lebowski." He's holding an open carton of milk. He looks around with confusion, then notices the camera.

THE DUDE: Hey, man. This is the Dude for Acid Casualty Insurance. They’re, like, paying me money to talk about it. But, man, you know, I really believe in it, so I’d talk about it anyway. Even ... you know ... if they didn't give me money. But I’ll take their money, man. I'm not saying that. I'll definitely take their money. So, OK, man. Anyway. The existential deal is ... You need insurance, man. Why do you need insurance? Well, like, shit happens. Bad shit. Bad things happen to good people, man. Bad things happen to bad people. Bad things happen, OK? Like especially when you’re tripping. Like that time I did a hit of windowpane and – but I don’t want to get off the subject, man. I want to keep this, like linear. My point is ... Bad things happen, that’s the point, man. That’s why there’s insurance. You ever thought about insurance? Like, really, you know. Insurance. Think about it. Like, grok it, man. Grok insurance. It’s, like, you’re making a bet with God that something bad is going to happen to you, man. If you die, man, then, like, you win. But if you lose, man, then you’re like, not dead, OK? So, it’s like you win either way. So get insurance, man. Get it from us, OK? Listen, man. At Acid Casualty Insurance, you can’t be turned down for any reason. I'm serious, man. Any reason. We’re acid heads, man. We insure the old, the sick. We insure imaginary characters, man. We’ll insure you if you’re already dead. Call this number, man. I’m pointing to it.

The number appears. He's actually pointing in the wrong place.

THE DUDE: I can’t, like really see it, but they told me they’d put it in later. Peace.

Clinton's Closing Time

(to the tune of "Closing Time" by Semisonic)

Closing time - time for you to zip up

Little Willy and tuck him in.

Closing time - just like Jimmy Swaggart

On TV you can cry "I've sinned.”

Closing time - it's back to the Antarctic

For a slice of Hillary's Eskimo Pie.

Closing time - you ain't no JFK –

But it’s not like you didn't try.

You know no one wants Al Gore in office...

Reincarnation of Gerald Ford.

No one says they want to read about your orifice...

But the papers are selling more.

Closing time - time for Kenny Starr

to remove his nose from your bum.

Closing time - the Puritans can berate you

And masturbate until they come.

So gather up your dresses and take them to the cleaners

Hope they scrub out the DNA.

Closing time - just like Richard Nixon

Make a peace sign and fly away.

You know it's a morality play for morons.

The shock jocks and the fundies...

William Bennett in his undies...

So drop a bomb on Mr Towelhead's farm.

Closing time - the fat lady is singing.

Time to hand her a big cigar.

Closing time -- seems a slight overreaction...

To your hand in the nookie jar.

You know it's not 1968.

You know who came too late.

You know just whose head is on the plate...

John the Southern Baptist on his first date.

Closing time - every vast right-wing conspiracy...

Comes from some vast left-wing fuckup in the end.

The Teddy Bear's Picnic

If you go out to the woods tonight
You'd better not go alone!
If you go out to the woods tonight
You'd better not go alone!
Tonight's the night...
The Teddy Bears...
Have their picnic!


EXT, FOREST - NIGHT


ANNOUNCER: (OS, Eric Idle-esque) Suddenly, in another part of the forest, the Teddy Bears are having their picnic. There are three of them. They're all about eight feet tall and resemble S. Clay Wilson bikers and, in fact, have ridden in on various choppers. We see the ruins of several campfires, some departed guest's quickly discarded bra and panties, wine bottles, drug paraphernalia, weapons, ammo, Piltdown Man's jawbone, the complete works of Soren Kierkegaard and other implements of destruction scattered everywhere. One flickering campfire remains...


TEDDY #1: (scratching groin) Fuck this. I think I gotta a motherfuckin' tick in my groin.


TEDDY #3: A tick on your dick?


The TEDDY BEARS laugh.


TEDDY #1: Shut the fuck up! It ain't fuckin' funny!


TEDDY #2: That's the fuckin' meth, man. Happened to me. My left eye was twitching like a sumbitch.


TEDDY #1: No, no, no, not that kinda tick, I mean like one of those fuckin' little bloodsuckers.


TEDDY #2: Oh, you mean like a tick. I thought you said "tic."


TEDDY #1: Fuck, this fucker hurts like a fuckin' motherfucker. Fuck.


TEDDY #3: You gotta burn it off man. Like use a cigarette or a match or sumpin.


TEDDY #1: (digging at his groin again) Listen fucker, the fuckin' things on the underside of my fuckin' testicles....ahhhh...no fuckin' way I'm using a fuckin' match or some fuckin'....ahhhh...get me some fuckin' wine or sumpin'.


TEDDY #2: We drank the wine.


TEDDY #1: (falling to the ground, kicking legs in agony) Ahhhhh...


TEDDY #3: Don't be a fuckin' pussy man.


TEDDY #1: Ahhhhh, you fucker...ahhhh....if I wasn't in so much pain I'd fuckin' ...


TEDDY #2: You think you're gonna get Lyme's disease?


TEDDY #1: No, man. I hate limes.


TEDDY #2: No, Lyme's disease. You get it from ticks.


TEDDY #1: Ahhhh, fuck. That's all I fuckin' need — a fuckin' STD from some fuckin' tick. Fuck that shit! (leaping to his feet) Get me the fuckin' pliers.


TEDDY #3: You're supposed to use, like, matches.


TEDDY #1: Fuck that fuckin' Boyscout Shit...no...no way I'm puttin' some fuckin' match on my balls...ahhhh...


TEDDY #2: You can also use a cigarette.


TEDDY #1: GET ME THE FUCKIN' PLIERS!


TEDDY #3: OK, man. (handing him pliers) It's your fuckin' funeral.


TEDDY #1 starts digging furiously at his groin area with the pliers, screaming horribly.


TEDDY #1: AHHHHHH, FUCK YOU YOU LITTLE FUCKIN' TICK, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE, AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!


TEDDY #1 rips the tick, along with a mass of tissue, fur and blood, out of his groin, then throws it to the ground, along with the bloody pliers. Engraged, he pulls out a Dirty Harry-type 47 Magnum and starts blasting it.

TEDDY #1: DIE FUCKIN' TICK...DIE!!!!


Blam! Blam! Etc. He runs out of rounds. There's dead silence.


TEDDY #2: I guess you killed it man.


The TEDDY BEARS laugh again. More silence. A mild-mannered figure enters the picture, a small slump-shouldered Forrest Ranger with a voice like Droopy Dog.


RANGER: Excuse me, sirs. Are you the Teddy Bears?


TEDDY #1: Yeah, we're the fuckin' Teddy Bears.


RANGER: And this must be your picnic?


TEDDY #1: Yeah. No shit. We're the fuckin' Teddy Bears and this is our fuckin' picnic.


RANGER: I see. Well, I'm afraid ...


TEDDY #1: You're afraid?


RANGER: I'm afraid ... I have to tell you, you're going to have to clean this up.


TEDDY #3: Clean it up?


TEDDY #1 starts laughing and shaking his head. He then stoops to the ground, picks up the crushed remains of the tick, pops it in his mouth and starts eating it.


RANGER: Yes, sir. And be sure to cover your campfires and rake the coals...


TEDDY #2: I don't understand what you're saying, man. You can't be saying what I fuckin' think you're saying...


TEDDY #1 still eating tick while shaking head and chuckling dangerously.


RANGER: Well, in case you don't understand...here's a pamphlet explaining park regulations.


RANGER hands TEDDY #2 a pamphlet. Astonished, TEDDY #2 takes it.


TEDDY #1: (swallowing tick) You all by yourself, dude?


RANGER: Why yes.


The TEDDY BEARS smile and converge on him, firelight flickering ominously on their faces. Fade to black.


Music up: "The Teddy Bears' Picnic."


If you go out to the woods tonight
You'd better not go alone!
If you go out to the woods tonight
You'd better not go alone!
Tonight's the night...
The Teddy Bears...
Have their picnic!

Thank U parody

(parody of "Thank U" by Alanis Morissette)

how bout getting off these antipsychotics
how bout not trying to eat my own head
how bout them invisible bongo slapping Beats
how bout saying fuck it and staying in bed

thank you Pineal Gland
thank you Rocky Horror
thank you existential ennui
thank you Holy Grail
thank you U.S. Mail
thank you Jonathan Livingston Shween

How bout lyrics that aren't pure gibberish
How bout me getting as fat as Dinah Shore
How bout how good it feels to groin kick Pauly Shore
How bout grieving that I'm just a bore

thank you Mindia
thank you Morkia
thank you ramalamadingdong
thank you Claritan
thank you Serutan
thank you Republic of Chad

the moment I let go of it was the moment
The cup fell on the floor and broke
the moment I jumped off of the table
was the moment I broke my nose

how bout more sado and less maso
how bout catching my hair in the door
how bout returning that library book
how bout not equating death with shopping

thank you South of the Border
thank you Providence, Rhode Island
thank you beingness
thank you somethingness
thank you clean public toilets
thank you thank you Soylent Green