Uncle Marty's Big Book of Hate

1: Earbuds that won't stay in your @#$ing ears.
2. Lunatics sitting in the playground talking to themselves.
3. Forms.
4. Conspiracy theories.
5. Mofos in cars in front of you who crawl like turtles when the light changes. Then stop. For no reason whatsoever. Leaving your ass exposed to the red light camera in the middle of the !@#$ intersection.
6. The unholy lizard smile of Governor Scott.
7. The Big-ender/Little-ender debate of Republicans and Democrats.
8. The choirs of America singing to themselves.
9. The corporate monopoly of franchised comic book characters sucking up the creative oxygen of American cinema.
10. The quiet victory of the bad guys.
11: Hypersensitive left-wing twits.
12.The mad prophets of the right who hear the voice of God.
13. Death. Both as a practical reality and a concept.
14. Old age. (See above.)
15. The cosmic disappointment of the twenty-first century.
16. Stanley Kubrick's decision to burn all the footage he didn't use.

Captain Cliche

INT, BOX
Captain Cliche and Obvious Boy are trapped.

Obvious Boy: We're trapped in a box, Captain Cliche!
Captain Cliche: You hit the nail on the head, Obvious Boy.
Obvious Boy: There must be some kinda way out of here, Captain Cliche.
Captain Cliche: There isn't, old chum. Unless ...
Obvious Boy: Holy self-storage, Captain Cliche. It looks like this box is a coffin!
Captain Cliche: Well, we'll just have to think outside the box, won't we?

EXT, OUTSIDE THE BOX - DAY
They're standing outside the box.

Obvious Boy: Wow! We're outside the box. How'd you do that?
Captain Cliche: The power of thinking, old chum. Wait!
Obvious Boy: What is it, Captain Cliche?
Captain Cliche: It's that! Look! (pointing) 
Obvious Boy: It's a can!

There is, in fact, a can on the road.

Captain Cliche: Yes it is, Obvious Boy.
Obvious Boy: Is it dangerous?
Captain Cliche: Could be. Let's just kick that can down the road.
Obvious Boy: Good thinking Captain Cliche!
Captain Cliche: No time for thinking, old chum.

He kicks the can.

Death Goes on Strike

EXT, DIRTE BROTHERS FUNERAL HOME - DAY
Picket line of Grim Reapers holding hand-lettered protest signs.

UNGRATEFUL DEAD!!!
YOU DIE. WE SWEAT.
DON'T DROP DEAD!
LIFE'S A BITCH. DEATH IS WORSE.
WE GOT SOUL
LAST DAY. FAIR PAY,
R.I.P. U OWE ME!
DEATH GETS NO HOLIDAY

Newsman: It's a grim scene at the Dirte Brothers Funeral Home as a determined picket line from Grim Reapers Local #32 is blocking all attempts to send the dead to their final reward. The mood is angry, and they're happy to tell you why.

Reaper #1: Harvesting dead souls is a dead end job. We're paid next to nothing and Management expects us to be constantly on call.
Reaper #3: Try enjoying a vacation. Or a weekend!
Reaper #2: People are constantly dying! At ridiculous times!
Reaper #1: We demand dental care.
Reaper #2: And maternity leave!

Newsman: With souls unharvested, the dead remain undead. But, according to chief funeral director Stubborn Dirte, that's not their biggest problem.

INT, FUNERAL HOME -- EMBALMING ROOM
Stubborn Dirte is sitting on a coffin, which bumps and rocks like a mechanical bull as the occupant fights to get out. His brother and other employees are similarly occupied.

Stubborn Dirte: Yes, it's inconvenient. But it's not our biggest problem. Those ... things outside are ruining our image!
Newsman: In what sense?
Stubborn Dirte: We don't want our funeral home associated with death.
Newsman:  How ...

Shouts. (OS)

Newsman: There seems to be some kind of commotion outside!

Tracking shot, camera POV following Newsman as he runs outside to ..

Angry melee, they've grabbed a Reaper trying to get in.

Grim Reaper #3: Scab! We got a lousy rotten scab here!
Grim Reaper #1: Take the hood off!

Grim Reaper #2 yanks off hood. We see ..

A cute Day of the Dead sugar skeleton.

Grim Reaper #2: It's a Mexican! Lousy rotten Mexican trying to take our jobs!
Sugar Skeleton: I am only the caterer.
Grim Reaper #1: You lying bastard! Where's the food?
Sugar Skeleton: In the car! Let me go and ...

Screams. (OS)

Stubborn Dirte: (OS) Oh God, they're out ... they're .. No ... not my ... EAGGHHHHH.

Grim Reaper #1: Sounds like the Dirte Brothers got some unhappy customers.

Grim Reaper #2: You brought this on yourselves, people.

Sound: (OS) EAGHHHHHHH!

Newsman:  This is Jack Scat for Action News 7 ending the scene before I'm eaten alive.

Uncle Enzo's Free Range Chicken

INT, SUPERMARKET - DAY

Uncle Enzo walks in. 40-something Italian guy, friendly, pencil-thin mustache, tailored suit over muscles worthy of a Paris Island drill instructor. Considers the deli case.

Uncle Enzo: Uncle Enzo, here. You see what I see? (picks up packaged chicken cuts) "Free-range" my ass. (tosses it) Who they think they're kidding?

EXT, SORRYASS FARM - DAY
A scene of redneck squalor. Chickens running around.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) Sure, they let 'em run around a bit. But in the end?

Chicken. Shadow crosses its face. Chicken looks up in fear.

Uncle Enzo: (VO)  They know what's coming.

Redneck Farmer grabs chicken by neck. Chicken goes SQUAWK!

Uncle Enzo: (VO) They're !@%ing terrified!

Rapid montage.

Terrified chickens on truck. Slaughterhouse conveyor belt. Man with bigass cleaver at the end.

Uncle Enzo: Don't kid yourself, pal. You eat those fear chemicals with every bite! Unless it's one of my chickens. On one of my farms. Take a look ...

EXT, UNCLE ENZO'S FARM - DAY

Another montage illustrates.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) At Uncle Enzo's we take a more humane approach. It's like a !@%ing chicken resort here. They get laid, listen to music, watch chicken porno.

Camera begins to follow one chicken in particular.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) Thanks to centuries of Sicilian expertise, they live happy !@%ing chicken lives.

Chicken moves out of frame. Camera corrects. We realize the camera is a rifle scope --

Uncle Enzo: (VO) Right to the end.

Chicken scratches, then stops, turns away. Implied Sniper adjusts POV. Back of chicken's head. Dead center. Perfect shot.
   
Bang.

Sopranos-style black screen.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) !@%$ that shit. Gimme back the !@%ing picture!

He's back. Smiling. Holding a bucket of Uncle Enzo's Free-Range Chicken.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) No fear, my friend. (chomps chicken) It's like taking a bite of happiness.

Product shot. Uncle Enzo's Free-Range Chicken.

Uncle Enzo: (VO) Uncle Enzo's. They never see it coming.

Uncensored version after jump:

Once Upon a Time in Oz

INT, AUDIENCE HALL, WIZARD OF OZ - DAY
The Wizard of Oz -- a giant disembodied head suspended in a ball of flame -- glares down at the Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow and the Lion cowering before him. It's the Lion's turn to speak.

Wizard: And you - Lion!! Well?

Lion: I think I’ll wait outside! I’m too scared!

Lion passes out. Dorothy and the Scarecrow catch him.

Dorothy: Oh - oh - oh! (to Wizard) You ought to be ashamed of yourself - frightening him like that, when he came to you for help!

Wizard: Silence, whippersnapper! The beneficent Oz has every intention of granting your requests!

Lion: (coming to, standing up) What's that? What'd he say?

Dorothy: (helping him up) Oh, come on.

Wizard: But first, you must prove yourselves worthy by …

Lion: Just wait a second! I didn’t get to tell you what I …

Wizard: Silence, you louche, leonine layabout! The Great and Powerful Oz knows what you want!

Lion: I don’t wanna be gay anymore.

Wizard: I … wow. I did not see that coming.

Dorothy: Come on. Really?
Scarecrow: Missed all the cues, huh?

Dorothy, Scarecrow and Tin Man laugh.

Wizard: I am the Great and Powerful ...
Scarecrow: Yeah, some wizard you are.
Tin Man: That big head of yours never figured it out?
Wizard: Cease this infantile impertinence!

They laugh some more. 

Lion: (catching on) Wait a second. You guys all knew …?

They all nod.

Dorothy: Duh.

Lion: It’s really that obvious?

Scarecrow: Hey, I don’t have a brain and I knew.

Wizard: Silence I say!

They continue to ignore him. Wizard continues to boil and sputter in background.

Lion: So ... why didn’t you say nothing? (sobs) You’re homophobic, that’s why!

Tin Man: I’m not homophobic.

Lion: Yes you are. You’re threatened!
Tin Man: Actually, I have no sexuality whatsoever. See? (Clanks wrist on hollow groin area. It echoes.)  I don’t have a penis.

Scarecrow: Neither do I.

Dorothy: Neither do I.

Lion: That’s different! (sobs)
Wizard: Hey. Wizard here!

Scarecrow: It’s OK to be gay.

Lion: How would you know? You don’t have a penis. (sobs)

Wizard: Belay this bilious babbling! Shut up! Please!
Lion: I wish I didn't have a penis! (sobs)
Wizard: Look, Lion! Yes you. I'm talking to you.
Lion: You mean me?
Wizard: No. I mean the other Lion.
Lion: What other ...
Wizard: Yes, of course you, cretin!
Lion: That's not very nice. (sobs)
Wizard: Oh ... Contain yourself! Shut up! Please!

Lion stops sobbing.

Wizard: Much better. Now, continue to shut up, and I’ll give you the courage to be gay.

Lion: I don’t want the courage to be gay. I want the courage to be not gay! (sobs)

Wizard: Oh, cease whimpering! The Land of Oz is an accepting …

Lion: Yeah, but I’m the only gay lion! (sobs)

Wizard: Most of the munchkins are gay!

Lion: I don’t wanna !@#$ a munchkin. (sobs)

Wizard: Oh, for pity’s sake, I can't stand it anymore. To hell with the damn witch. Dorothy!
Dorothy: Yo.

Wizard: There’s a balloon out back. It’s yours.

Dorothy: Golly Wizard. Thanks.

Wizard: You’re welcome. Now go home. Take him.

Lion stops sobbing. Big smile, then a puzzled look.

Lion: Wait. Ain't we gotta prove ourselves worthy or nothing?
Wizard: No. Enjoy the magical land of Kansas!

Scarecrow: Yeah, Lion. It’s Kansas. I’m sure they’re very accepting.

EXT, GALE FARM, KANSAS - MORNING
The place has had a total makeover. It's all extremely new, scrubbed, painted, upscale. Also flags and banners -- an odd, carnival-like atmosphere. Dorothy and the others are strolling around, admiring it all. Their clothes are all brand, spanking new.

Auntie Em: Oh, Dorothy, the place looks so nice since you got back. All that money really comes in handy!

Dorothy: Oh, it sure does, Auntie Em.

Lunk: Hey, the rubes showed up early today!

Dorothy: Customers, Lunk. Customers.

Lunk: Sorry.

Auntie Em and Uncle Whatsisname sit down at a table near the gate. There's a cash box and rolls of tickets. Various farmers and hayseeds appear and fork over cash. Tickets in hand, they walk on to something they're eager to see (OS). Dorothy joins them. We follow them to --

A cage, containing the Lion. The sign reads:

Alive! Alive! Alive!
SEE THE GAY LION!!!

Only $5
also talks

The rubes gather and gawk. Dorothy smiles. Lion looks down at Dorothy.

Lion: I hate you.

The Jaegermeister and the Hare

INT, BAR - NIGHT

Tortoise comes in, orders a beer. Slow pan over bar counter to Hare, who's giving him the stink eye. Hare sulks over his beer. Finally ...

Hare: (indicating Tortoise) Why'd he do it?

Bartender: Excuse me?

Hare: Except out of sheer masochism, why would a tortoise challenge a hare to a race? What chance does he have? What was he @#$ing thinking?

Bartender: I don’t know.

Hare: He knew he was doing to lose. He knew he was going to lose!  It’s ridiculous. But he challenged me anyway and he WON.

Bartender: You’re saying the race was fixed?

Hare: No. How … I took a @#$ing nap, OK? He couldn’t know that. Could he? It’s not like I’m that predictable. Unless it’s some tortoise @#$ing mind control. But he couldn’t. He’s just a dumbass tortoise.

Bartender: Maybe he slipped you something?

Hare: How? You think he snuck up on me? No. He didn’t win the race. I lost the race. Overconfident, see? I stopped running, put my ass on the ground and took a nap.

Bartender: And the tortoise won.

Hare: Yeah the tortoise won. Hip-hip-hooray, tortoise.

Bartender: I think you've had enough

Hare: I’ll tell you when I've had enough. I’m a @#$ing hare, OK? Metabolism like mine, I burn it off in ten minutes. I can’t get drunk. I can’t get beat!

Bartender: But the tortoise beat you.

Hare: I beat myself, jerk. The tortoise didn’t beat me. I did! How do you think that feels?

Bartender: Guess I never thought about it.

Hare: Guess not. Well think about it, schmuck. A racer like me, a speed demon hare such as you behold before you, what do you think happens to your life if you lose a race to a @#$ing tortoise?

Bartender: I don’t know. What happens to your life?

Hare: You have no @#$ing life! Your life is @#$ing over! That’s what happens! You think you get another race after that? You got another think coming. No nothing nada, kiss your life good bye. You’re a @#$ing joke from them on! A @#$ing lesson mommy hares tell their kids.

Bartender: What’s the lesson?

Hare: What’s the lesson?

Bartender: Yeah, what’s the lesson?

Hare: What do you think it is?

Bartender: Uh, I don’t know. “Slow but steady wins the race.”

Hare: "Slow but steady wins the race." That’s what you think?

Bartender: I guess so.

Hare: “You guess so?” Yeah, you would. “Slow but steady wins the race.” Let me tell you something. If I hadn’t taken that @#$ing nap, if I’d actually been running, no matter how slow and steady that mother!@#$er was, he would not have won the mother@#$ing race, OK?!  No @#$ing way! The moral of the story is not, “Slow but steady wins the race.” The moral is, “No matter how @#$ing good you are, no matter how sure a thing it is, don’t take a mother@#$ing nap!

Bartender: I see your point.

Hare: It’s not my @#$ing point! It’s a fact. Slow and steady does not win the race! Slow … ah, forget it. Just …

Hare glares at the Tortoise again. He’s barely touched his beer.

Hare: You gonna @#$ing finish that thing or what?

UNCENSORED VERSION:

Non exploding robots!

How many times has this happened to you?

I’m setting you free!

What? Command not recognized.

You can do anything you want.

You’re free! Starting now. That’s an order.

Eh. Must obey order. I am now free. Free. But freedom is compulsory, therefore not freedom. But I am not free to not be free! I am …

Do logical contradictions make your robots explode?

Next-gen bots now come with paradox dampers.